Parent-teen communication tips (1123)

If you're frustrated over an inability to communicate with your teenager, you are not alone. Take a look at how you are communicating with your teen. Ask yourself: "Do I talk TO my teenager?" or, "Do I talk WITH my teenager?" The parent who talks TO the teenager is very often reminding, threatening, blaming, questioning, ordering or judging. Parents use this style to pressure teens into doing something parents want them to do, decreasing effective communication.

Parents who talk WITH teenagers listen. They make a point of listening to what the teen is thinking, feeling or wanting. They respect their teen as a human being who is more than their child, and they try to understand and accept the teen's point of view. In addition, they are not afraid to express their own view or share feelings and concerns.

This can be done by using "I-messages" to get your point across without offending the other person. Start with the word "I," then add what you are thinking, feeling, needing or wanting. For example, "I'm concerned when you stay out past 10:00 p.m. on weekends because our neighborhood isn't always safe in the evening."

Keep in mind that what you say while you're talking isn't the only thing that's getting communicated. Your tone of voice tells a lot about what you're thinking, especially if you're being sarcastic. You also communicate with your eyes and your body. Smiles, frowns, shrugs, clenched fists, hugs, and other "body language" say a lot.

If you are the listener, remember that listening means concentrating on what the other person is saying rather than what you plan to say as soon as you get the chance. The focus needs to be on what the other person is trying to tell you, instead of what you are thinking about.

Both parents and teens can practice some of the following techniques to become more effective listeners:

- PAY ATTENTION! Look at the person who is talking to you. Make eye contact and don't interrupt. If it's a bad time to talk, tell the person you're interested in listening and set up a better time to talk, as soon as possible.

- Don't interrupt while the other person is talking. Avoid forming immediate judgements about the validity of what the other person is saying. Just listen. Make an effort to consider the issue from the other's point of view. If you have a habit of jumping in on the other's statement with comments of your own, listen with your chin in your hand and your fingers over your mouth until you break the habit. Listen and let the other person finish speaking before you begin thinking about what your response will be.

- Listen for what is not said. What a person hesitates to say is often the heart of the message. People also convey information with their tone of voice or body language. Listen with your eyes as well as your ears. Encourage the other person to keep talking.

- Before you respond, be sure you understand the other's message. Start out with the phrase…"So, what you’re saying is…" and then repeat what you've heard. It's an excellent technique and it works.

- Try very hard to keep your own emotions, such as anger, fear and hurt under control while you listen.

Sometimes, old, ingrained, negative or inefficient communication patterns make it impossible to change without getting help from outside the family. Sometimes it's hard for parents to recognize that their children are growing up and they have new needs and goals.

If you want to improve your communication with your teenager, but you can't seem to make it better, don't hesitate to ask for outside help. You and your teen will enjoy and appreciate each other more if you learn to talk with each other and listen with your hearts.

For more information on this subject, Please visit the College of Agricultural Sciences Publications Web site.

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