Tips for positive guidance and discipline (1118)

What is discipline? Discipline is not a punishment system designed to break a child's spirit and individuality. It is a teaching system that leads to orderliness and self-control.

Authoritarian parenting, demanding blind obedience from children, and ruling them with punishment, produces children who are not able to act independently nor make decisions. Giving children the skills they need to cope with life—allowing children to take risks and practice decision making within set boundaries produces children who are secure and self-controlled.

Building trust, communicating positive attitudes about life, and maintaining a sense of humor are integral parts of discipline.

Finally, unconditional love needs to become the golden thread in the tapestry of your children's middle years, strengthening their sense of self as unique and valued human beings.

Behavioral researchers have discovered that one simple overriding fact has emerged in regard to discipline: The child must be separated from her behavior. Otherwise, discipline’s only effect may be to contribute to an unhealthy self-image, and misbehavior may become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Parents can show their children that they love them even if they don't love the particular way that they are behaving.

When children behave inappropriately, it is probably because they have not yet learned a rule or how to follow it, or because they did not know a more appropriate way to deal with an experience.

- DECIDE THE SPECIFIC BEHAVIOR YOU WANT YOUR CHILD TO LEARN. Focus on a concrete, rather than abstract, behavior. This tells your child what is wanted, and the focus is on changing the child's behavior, not on the child himself.

- ENCOURAGE YOUR CHILD'S MOVEMENT TOWARD THE GOAL. Rather than praising your child, praise her behavior. This builds self-confidence and autonomy as she moves toward the behavior goal.

- AVOID POWER STRUGGLES WITH YOUR CHILD. Children are old enough to discover the extent to which their world is out of their control. They want to try to have the same power that they see their parents having. One way to handle this is by developing a contractual arrangement that says, "When you have done what you are supposed to do, then you may do what you want to do."

- BE THERE. Parents don't need to be with their children every minute of the day, but they do need to offer regular support, supervision, encouragement and unconditional love in a warm atmosphere with clearly defined limits.

Just knowing that their parents are behind them, loving them no matter what their behavior is, helps children grow to be giving, caring adults who are emotionally strong, compassionate, empathetic, and nurturing.

For more information on this subject, Please visit the College of Agricultural Sciences Publications Web site.

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