Meeting the needs of the 9 to12 year old (1114)

Your preteen is not quite like the child he once was. And yet, he is not quite the teenager that he will become. This is a transitional period—a period of preparation.

Preteen change and preparation may shake your child's personality. Girls who depended on you for the choice of their clothes may suddenly break down in tears when you make the slightest comment on their appearance.

When she was younger, your child usually relied on your judgment. But during the preteen years, children pick up new ideas. For example, your son will become more of his own person and make more of his own judgments. And he is not always confident that his judgment is correct. Your child's body is preparing for the changes and additions brought on by puberty.  And, of course, your preteen is beginning to become an individual separate from his family—a transition that will be a major focus during her teenage years.

Perhaps the most striking quality of preteens is a sudden upswing in physical restlessness. For example, “sitting” is hardly what describes what preteens do with a table and chair while they are supposed to be doing their homework. They are constantly on the move.

Preteens forget things, and there seems to be no excuse. Sometimes, children use forgetting as an alibi. The amazing thing is that half of those who say they forgot are telling the truth. Preteens sometimes block out things that interfere with their pursuit of happiness.

An otherwise alert preteen may stare into space in the middle of a class, even during subjects that interest her. Daydreams may fill a need of the youngster who is leaving one world (that of his childhood) and wondering about entering another (his teenage years). Your preteen must deal with puzzling and unpredictable themes, and cannot deal with some of them directly, so she daydreams.

All of a sudden, one of the most important things in your child's life is to be in line with the code of his peers, even at the cost of considerable open conflict within his family. Parents become "The Adults". As parents, you know that your preteen knows better, and that he loves you, but he may treat even your fair demands as angrily barked insults from an enemy, especially in public.

Both boys and girls in the preteen years may take pride in looking sloppy. Sweatshirts, a brother's or father's shirt with tails hanging out, bare feet and bleached-out jeans may be just the thing for girls. Boys may cut the sleeves off their sweatshirts. Corners of their bedrooms may accumulate dirty clothes daily. Do not be dismayed. This is a stage they will outgrow. Just keep the lines of communication between you and your child open. And do not nag.

Perhaps no other period of childhood development offers so many chances for parents to lose their tempers or become alarmed, sensitive, or indignant. But parents should try to figure out the best approach to each problem as it arises and to separate their own emotional attitudes from the problem. They should try to be the voice of authority without becoming authoritarians.

Remember, few children show all of the problems of the preteen phase, and a few of them go through all the difficulties at the same time. Life with your child from 9 to 12 should be fun. The basic test is not whether you have problems with your preteen, but whether you can enjoy your preteen in spite of whatever problems may arise, and to help her through a period that is often as difficult for her as it is for you.

For more information on this subject, Please visit the College of Agricultural Sciences Publications Web site.

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